The Beaconsfield mummers play was investigated by Brian Ross of the Bodger Mummers troop and - although it had died out in the 1950s - he traced one of the men who performed the play at the turn of the century. This man, "Butch" Butcher, revealed the play had actually been written by famed author GK Chesterton who lived in Beaconsfield. They regularly called on his house to perform the traditional mummers play and he offered to write them a "proper one". Sadly Butch could remember very little about the original play (except that it included a hobby horse) so this script is now lost to us. However English folklore's loss is the G K Chesterton Society's gain - at least they have a new work by this great man! Pictured at the top of this page are the Beaconsfield mummers from the early part of the 20th century, and Brian Ross with 'Butch'.

List of characters:
Hi Down Derry
Fly
King George
Soldier
Doctor
Mr Jack Finny
Big Head

Hi Down Derry knocks on door

Hi Down Derry: Please remember the mummers

Hi Down Derry enters the room

Hi Down Derry: Room, room, for me and my broom,
Hi Down Derry, Hi Down Derry, Hi Down Derry,
I come round this Christmas time to make you merry.

Hi Down Derry sweeps, goes to the door and beckons to Fly

Hi Down Derry: Come in, Jack Fly

Enter Fly

Fly: In comes I, 
As light as a fly, 
Got no money, 
What cares I

Hi Down Derry calling at the door.

Hi Down Derry: Come in, King George

Enter King George, wearing soldier's red coat, wooden sword in hand and helmet on his head. He walks up and down with a martial step.

King George: In comes King George with noble eye,
With his broadsword in his hand.
Where is the man that bids me stand?
I'll knock him down with my gracious hand.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold,
Bound to lay him down before he's three days old.
Take him to the cookshop for all untold.

Hi Down Derry calling at the door

Hi Down Derry: Come in, jolly valiant soldier.

Enter soldier

 Soldier: In comes this jolly valiant soldier.
Where is the man that bids me stand
And knock me down with his gracious hand?
I'm your man! I'm your man!
A battle! A battle! Betwixt you and I
To see which on the ground shall lie
If I should happen to gain the day
On the ground you first shall lay
So mind your head and guard your blows,
Or else you'll get a tap on the nose.

They fight and King George falls

 Hi Down Derry: Five pounds would I give for a doctor, If a doctor was but here.

 Doctor (without): The doctor won't come for five pounds

 Hi Down Derry: Ten pounds would I give for a doctor, If a doctor was but here.

 Doctor (without): No! The Doctor won't come for ten pounds.

Hi Down Derry: Fifteen pounds.

Doctor (without): The doctor won't come for fifteen pounds.

Hi Down Derry: Twenty pounds I give

Doctor (without): The doctor will come for twenty pounds

Hi Down Derry: Come in this noble valiant doctor, Come in for twenty pounds

Doctor enters wearing a black coat carrying a little black bag. He walks about, tapping loudly with his stick.

Doctor: In comes the noble and jolly doctor!
I'm doctor here, I'm doctor there,
I'm doctor everywhere!
I don't go about like you shim-sham doctors,
I go about to cure, not to kill.

Hi Down Derry: Cure this man, doctor

Doctor: I will if he isn't quite dead.

Hi Down Derry: What can you cure?

Doctor: The hipsy, pipsy, palsy, and the gout,
Pains within, and pains, without
Bring me an old woman that's been dead ten years,
In her coffin twenty, and buried thirty.
If she has a sound hollow tooth in her head,
I'm bound to fetch her round.
George, George, you have been to France, I've been to Spain
Take one of these pills, and rise and fight again.

He rattles some peas in a box, gives one to King George, and rises

Soldier: We've had a ring, we've had a right,
And now we'll have a jolly good fight.

They fight, the soldier falls. The doctor goes out while they are fighting.

Hi Down Derry at the door

Hi Down Derry: Come in, Jack Finny!

 Enter Jack Finny, who is really the doctor.

Jack Finny: How dare you call me Jack Finny!
My name is Mr Finny, otherwise John Finny
I can do more than you or any other man.

Hi Down Derry: What can you do?

Jack Finny: Cure a magpie of toothache,
And a jackdaw of headache

Hi Down Derry: How do you do that?

Jack Finny: Wring off his head and throw his body in a ditch

Hi Down Derry: Cure this man

Jack Finny: I can cure this man if he is not quite dead.
He is dead and stiff, and by the spring of his legs. (Touches him and leg jerks up)
But this a case I've seen before
Take one of these pills
It'll work you through and through
Body, soul and stomach too
Rise up, this jolly valiant soldier
And fight this man no more

Soldier rises

Hi Down Derry: Come in, Big Head

Big Head enters, his head enlarged by a great hat or some device.

Big Head: In comes I, as ain't been yet,
With my big head and little with.
My head's so big and my wit so small
But I'll sing you a song that will please you all.

He sings a popular song, and other songs follow for the rest of the evening.

 We will wear the weeping willow,
For a twelvemonth and a day
And if anyone should ask
The reason why I wear it,
Tell them my true love
Is gone far away.